For women struggling to conceive, well-meaning comments from friends, family, and colleagues often add to the distress of infertility, with many reporting feeling shamed, embarrassed, or pressured to hide their pain, a new examination of patient experiences has found.
Approximately one in seven couples face difficulty conceiving, according to the NHS. In 2023, more than 50,000 patients underwent IVF in the UK. Yet despite the prevalence of fertility issues, women told the BBC that the subject remains taboo, leading to a cascade of insensitive remarks.
Vicky Levens, 29, from Belfast, said she was left in shock after returning to her receptionist job following her third miscarriage. Two managers who knew of her loss made hurtful comments, including one who told her that “at least” the miscarriage happened early in the pregnancy.
“I was in shock,” Ms Levens said. She handed in her notice on her next shift.
She added that friends and family often offer misguided reassurances such as “it’ll be your turn soon” or “just hold on to hope.” While she believes they intend comfort, she said, “in the moment, when you’re going through the motions, I wish people wouldn’t say that, because it hurts.”
A ‘Sense of Embarrassment’
Chloe Cavanagh, 26, from Glasgow, who is on an NHS waiting list for IVF, said she initially hesitated to disclose her infertility due to a “sense of embarrassment.”
“That is what your body’s meant to do, so you feel like you’re failing yourself,” she explained.
For women in some South Asian communities, the pressure is particularly acute. Asiya Dawood, 42, a British-Pakistani woman from West London, said relatives often blame wives who do not conceive quickly after marriage, questioning their career focus or age at marriage.
“You’re questioned about being womanly enough,” Ms Dawood said. The relentless comments led her to withdraw from social life entirely. “I didn’t go out, I didn’t have a social life.”
She added that asking for help is seen as a “sign of weakness” in some communities. To combat this stigma, she launched the first South Asian Baby Loss Awareness Week last year, featuring talks from women, GPs, and charities.
‘Incredible’ Support – and What Helps
While hurtful comments are common, the women also detailed what supportive behaviour looks like. Elena Morris, 29, from South Wales, described the support from her family as “incredible.” After miscarriages, people brought her food, flowers, and restaurant vouchers “to just have a break.” Her parents and husband also bought her flowers for Mother’s Day.
Ms Morris said small gestures, such as text messages saying “thinking of you,” also mean a great deal. She has asked friends and family to share pregnancy announcements by text rather than in person, so she can “digest” the news and respond when ready.
Chloe Cavanagh echoed that request, saying she appreciated being told one-to-one when a close friend became pregnant. “I would hate for people not to tell me because they think I’m going to be sad,” she said.
Expert Advice on What to Say
Professor Joyce Harper, professor of reproductive science at University College London (UCL), said infertility and its treatment can have a major emotional impact.
“The treatment itself is a roller coaster,” she told the BBC’s Woman’s Hour.
Clinical psychologist Dr Marie Prince, a fertility specialist, noted that people undergoing fertility treatment at UK clinics have access to counsellors, a service she encourages everyone to use. She also advised that friends and family ask the person experiencing infertility what kind of support they need, as this varies.
“It might be that your IVF support team are different to the people who would normally support you,” Dr Prince said.
For many of the women, opening up has been a relief. “When people don’t know what you are going through, things can be said or done unintentionally that may trigger you,” Ms Morris said. “We are absolutely glad we opened up and wouldn’t change it.”
